I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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