it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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