blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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