you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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