If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
