Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
whose ass print is on the piano?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
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