turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
