My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
