Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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