The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
