on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
In other news, I just burned my penis
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
