Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
