walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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