The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
