Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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