the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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