I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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