I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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