were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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