Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize