I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
