from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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