need another drink. this is the easiest way
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
