Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It was confusing and full of hummus
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
