My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
