He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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