He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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