why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I lost the right to judge tonight
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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