Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I need moral support for this bender
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
