Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
