Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
