between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
