I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Randomize
