You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
