I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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