all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
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