Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
