I am midnight drunk by noon
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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