If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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