I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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