you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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