and you said cock pushups were impossible
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
