are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
