So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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