my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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