it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
