I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
