he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
