i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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