that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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