I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
