how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
