Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
