yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
