quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I intend to get homeless drunk
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
