I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
