it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
