My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize