I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
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You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
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I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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