This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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