Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
