Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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